“Man... ouch, dude. She really ripped you a nnnnnew one! Now how the hell did you let her do that?”

“I don’t know, she was just was one of those types who weakened me.”

“Aww, you’re not playing THAT fucking card; not the ‘raving beauty’ one, nuh-uh, fuck that because I know who you’re talking about. You forget I’ve seen the bitch.”

“And that’s all a matter of your opinion, asshole.”

“Seriously dude, what happened?”

“I said I don’t know. I got stupid all because she didn’t want to kiss me.”

”What?”

“She just made me feel like I was some kind of retard pez dispenser, except there were cd’s coming out of my mouth instead of those little colored sugar tabs.”

“That sounds cold-blooded, but uh, tell me bra, why were you even giving’em to her in the first place, huh? Because you wanted her to give it to you, right?”

“Fuck you.”

“You were probably expecting something back for your effort.”

“I did it because I wanted to. Nothing else.”

“That was funny though, dude. I can’t believe how loud she screamed at you.”

“Leave it alone––my stomach still hurts.”

“She and her friend’re probably smoking a joint laughing at your sorry ass right now. Your ears burning?”

“No. I don't believe in that shit.”

“Oh but you’re still willing to believe she has all the authority of life in that big brain of hers, enough to make you feel like this?”

“Stop.”

“That just because there was some nice backstory to the way you met, that it was going to turn out any different, that you weren’t going to see how she really was? You believe that even if you got those emails it would have made you feel any better than that afternoon dropping her off? Homie, I’ve been watching you these past few months feeling fucking sorry for you. I watched you go from a goddamn workmule on those stories of yours to some candyass serenade, man.”

(hahaha)

”See? Made you laugh, huh?”

“I should probably go pick up some comedy books at the library soon.”

“Whatever keeps your mind off that girl, dude. She’s anathema to you as much as you are to her.”

“Do you think she’ll ever--”

“Shut up with that piss already, I’m tired of it. YOU’RE tired of it, in fact I know you are because why else would that have been your gut reaction, hmm? Why else? Guess I have to fuckin’ remind you a lot of it was her fault, too. What you gotta stop doing is constantly giving others the benefit of the doubt. Think we’re all running around giving everybody else the honest to gawd truth?”

”She was my friend.”

”’Was’, ‘was’ is the operative word, fucker. And you’ve gotta start trusting innate reactions, man. Listen to them, you’ll learn something better than pop culture’s ever given back to humanity.” (sigh) “Look, I know you want me to say that I think she’ll miss you, maybe even talk to you someday, but dude I can’t. I can’t, this is just going to have to be your thing now.”

”Which could be worse, I guess.”

”Hells yeah. So now what I think you should do is just close your eyes, wish her the good life and once you’re done, open them up again and ask yourself what you want to write.”

“Thanks for putting up with me.”

(clicks teeth) “S’what I’m here for, bitch."

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